Language Patterns for Elegant Negotiations

Negotiation is an essential life skill, whether we are striking a deal in a high-stakes business environment or resolving conflicts within our dynamic family or social unit. Mastering the art of negotiation can be significantly enhanced by integrating language and process from Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). Today, I’m exploring how NLP can refine the way we negotiate by focussing on key processes and language patterns, providing a roadmap for using NLP in both business negotiations and family discussions.

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Before you dive into a negotiation in any context, there are a couple of important frames that you must satisfy for the negotiation to be ultimately successful. Firstly, there must be ‘intent’ on the part of both sides of the negotiation to come to a mutually satisfactory agreement. Without intent, there is no foundation on which to build the negotiation. Secondly, each party taking part within the negotiation should be focussed on a win-win outcome. Entering a negotiation with an ‘only for me’ mindset will destabilise the process. So, those two frames satisfied, now you can negotiate.

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One of the core linguistic concepts in NLP is the Agreement Frame. It is designed to shift discussions from conflicting positions to collaborative and mutually beneficial perspectives. In essence, the Agreement Frame is a way of reframing a conversation to focus on agreement rather than disagreement, which helps in maintaining a positive relationship regardless of the negotiation outcome. Using the agreement frame requires a simple shift in language:

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DO NOT use ‘but’ or ‘I understand’ when stating your position.

DO USE: I agree (with you) and … (state your position)

  I respect (your situation) and … (state your position)

  I appreciate (your position) and … (state your position)

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In a business context, where negotiations can often become adversarial, using the Agreement Frame allows negotiators to remain in a cooperative stance. For instance, when presented with a proposition that you don’t agree with, instead of directly opposing it, you might respond with, “I respect what you’re saying, and how do you think we can approach this so it works for both of us?” This method not only acknowledges the other party's point of view, it steers the conversation towards a constructive and positive dialogue.

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Negotiating within your family unit can be emotionally charged and the Agreement Frame is equally useful. It helps sidestep emotional pitfalls and focusses on mutual values and understanding. For example, in a typical scenario where family members are deciding on a holiday destination, you might say, “I appreciate your interest in going to the beach, and let’s also consider what activities we can all enjoy there to make it enjoyable for the whole family.”

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Another powerful NLP tool in negotiation is the Conditional Close, which essentially involves suggesting a condition that will lead to the closure of the negotiation. This useful language pattern is about creating scenarios where the closure becomes the most logical conclusion. For example, “If I do ‘x’ and you get ‘y’, do we have an agreement that we are both comfortable with?”

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In business, the Conditional Close can be particularly effective when closing sales or finalising partnerships. For example, a salesperson might say, “If we can agree on the price today, can we proceed with the shipment by the end of the week?” This not only sets a clear timeline, it also creates a sense of urgency and a pathway for the negotiation to conclude positively.

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In family settings, the Conditional Close helps in reaching agreements that respect everyone's preferences and conditions. For instance, in negotiating curfew times with teenagers, a parent might propose, “If you finish your homework and chores, would you like to extend your curfew by an hour on weekends?” This approach not only sets clear expectations but also gives teenagers a sense of control and responsibility.

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The strategic use of language is a hallmark of NLP that can dramatically improve negotiation outcomes. Here are a few techniques:

Rapport building: This involves subtly matching and mirroring the other person’s physiology, language, tone of voice, and words. In negotiations, this builds rapport and facilitates a deeper connection, making it easier to reach an agreement.

Positive Language: Using positive language to express negative feedback or disagreement avoids alienating the other party. Instead of saying "This won't work," you might consider "Let's find a different approach."

Embedded Commands: These are directives hidden within a dialogue that encourage the other party to think or act in a certain way without directly telling them so. For example, a business negotiator might say, “Consider how quickly we could start benefiting from this deal.”

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In addition to these amazing language patterns, NLP also offers you a robust process for holding a successful negotiation. The fundamental premise of the process is that any negotiation, in any context can be successfully completed when all parties come to the same highest positive intention that underpins their position. Reaching this level of agreement is achieved by ‘chunking up’. This means taking the thinking patterns of both parties into higher levels of abstraction. If you chunk high enough, you will always get to agreement. For example, the highest positive intention in a family negotiation will most probably be ‘love’. In a business context, the highest positive intention could be ‘profit’. Next, you begin to ‘chunk down’ into the detail again, only as quickly as you can maintain agreement.

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Integrating NLP language patterns into your negotiation strategies, whether in business or family contexts, can transform how you interact and the outcomes you achieve. Techniques like the Agreement Frame and Conditional Close not only help in reaching agreements more effectively, they also ensure that the relationships involved are strengthened rather than strained. By consciously applying NLP’s language patterns and psychological strategies, negotiators can elevate their skills, leading to more elegant and successful negotiations.

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