September 23, 2024
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Building rapport is one of the most essential aspects of human connection through communication. Deep rapport forms the foundation of trust, understanding, and effective interaction between individuals at the unconscious level. Rapport creates a sense of connection and harmony, making people feel heard and understood and is established outside of conscious awareness. Unconscious mind to unconscious mind, so your thoughts and ideas are more likely to be accepted uncritically and with enhanced understanding.
Why is it important to build rapport?
Rapport improves communication and misunderstandings are less likely. Both parties can communicate clearly and effectively. With effective communication comes increased influence. People are more likely to agree with or be open to the ideas of someone they trust. So, rapport creates deeper and more meaningful relationships, whether in personal or professional settings, rapport deepens connections, making relationships more authentic and lasting.
Rapport creates the ability to experience better negotiations. When two parties feel aligned, they are more likely to find common ground. In a therapeutic or coaching environment, rapport creates a safe space where clients feel comfortable enough to open up and engage in meaningful transformation.
Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) incorporates a robust and easy to follow process for building deep and highly effective rapport, skilfully combining cognitive processing, language, and behaviour to enhance communication. Rapport works on the basis that people who are like each other, tend to like each other. Let me clarify here, building rapport is not necessarily about liking someone, it is about being ultimately flexible in your behaviour to be like them.
You can begin to understand the process of rapport building by considering the work of psychologist, Albert Mehrabian, who is often cited when discussing non-verbal communication and rapport. His 55 38 7 communication model postulates that:
- 55% of the meaning of any communication is understood at the unconscious level through observing physiology.
- 38% of the meaning of any communication is understood through listening to the tone of voice.
- 7% of the meaning of any communication is understood through the words that are used.
This means that 93% of the meaning of any communication is non-verbal or para-verbal (tone of voice), emphasising the importance of paying attention to factors beyond the language used when building rapport. Let’s look at an example from your everyday experience:
You are in work and you receive an email. You understand the meaning of that email by assimilating the words that are written. As you read, you unconsciously add your own tone of voice for the message and you imagine the physiology of the person that has sent the message. Misunderstanding an email is common place because you are only able to extract meaning from 7% of the original communication, the words on the screen. You have no idea if the message is sent in anger, in frustration, in excitement or joy because the indicators that would confirm the emotion of the message are missing. So you guess. In NLP terminology, we call that mind reading, and that can lead to disastrous misunderstanding.
The NLP process for building rapport aligns perfectly with Mehrabian’s Model, as it places the focus on the non-verbal aspects of communication that are critical to rapport.
How can you begin to practice building deep rapport at home, in social situations and at work? Here are a few handy tips:
One of the core principles of rapport building in NLP is the idea that people like those who are like them. By matching and mirroring aspects of a person's voice, behaviour, language, and physiology, you can create an unconscious sense of alignment, which leads to rapport.
Matching and Mirroring Physiology
Matching and mirroring physiology involves subtly reflecting someone's body posture, gestures, and facial expressions back towards them. When done effectively, this creates a unconscious signal of similarity, making the other person feel understood and comfortable.
Matching involves putting another person's physical movements and posture into your own body, in a way that is covert and outside of conscious awareness, so it’s very subtle. For example, if someone crosses their arms, you might do the same after a short delay, creating a subtle connection. If you had your right arm in the air and I put my right arm in the air, that would be matching.
Mirroring is more about reflecting a person’s physiology as if you are a mirror image. If they have their right hand in the air and you raise your left hand, then you are mirroring.
According to research in neuroscience, humans are hardwired to favour those who are like them. When someone observes you reflecting their body language, even subtly, they feel an unconscious sense of alignment and trust. This effect is bolstered by mirror neurons, which fire when we see someone else perform an action, creating an internal sense of empathy.
Matching Voice
In NLP, it's also effective to match someone’s vocal qualities, such as tone (pitch), tempo (speed), volume, and timbre (quality). This doesn’t mean imitating their voice exactly, instead, adapting your own vocal patterns to better align with theirs.
For example, some people speak in a warm, gentle tone, while others may be louder with more clipped sentences. By adjusting your vocal qualities, just a little, to be in synchronisation with the other person, you increase the level of rapport.
Vocal qualities are just as important as words in communication. People feel more comfortable when others speak in a similar manner, as it creates a sense of mutual understanding.
Matching Language
NLP works on a founding principle that people process information primarily through three modalities: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. By identifying which modality a person favours, you can use similar language to create rapport.
Visual people often use words like "see," "look," and "imagine." If you notice this in someone's speech, you might respond using similar terms, such as "I see what you mean" or "Let’s focus on the big picture."
Auditory people frequently use words related to sound, such as "hear," "listen," or "sounds like." You can match this by saying things like "I hear you" or "That sounds interesting."
Kinesthetic individuals use language related to feelings or physical sensations, like "feel," "grasp," or "touch." To build rapport with them, you might say "I feel the same way" or "Let’s get a handle on this."
When you speak in a person's preferred modality, you are literally speaking their language. This creates a stronger sense of connection because the other person feels understood on a deeper level.
How will you know when rapport has been successfully built? Here are some key indicators:
1. Synchronised Movements: You may notice that both parties unconsciously begin to match each other’s physical movements. For example, if one person crosses their legs, the other might do the same shortly afterward. In NLP we call this pacing physiology.
2. Smooth Flow of Conversation is pointed out: Once rapport is established, the conversation becomes more fluid and natural, with fewer awkward pauses or interruptions. The person may say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed this conversation”, or “I feel like I’ve known you for ages” when you have just met.
3. Colour change: The person that you are building rapport with may exhibit a change in their skin colour, indicating that they are feeling emotionally comfortable.
4. Internal feeling: The interaction will feel psychologically safe and comfortable.
In business, building rapport is essential for success, whether you're networking, selling, managing a team, or negotiating a deal. When rapport is strong, communication is clearer, and people are more likely to buy into your ideas or products. For instance, a salesperson who matches their client's physiology and adapts to their communication style is far more likely to close a deal. Similarly, a manager who builds rapport with their team will inspire loyalty and improve overall performance.
In coaching, rapport is critical because it creates the trust necessary for clients to open up and engage in the coaching process. When clients feel understood and aligned with their coach, they are more likely to follow through on advice and take meaningful steps toward personal growth. Matching language patterns or mirroring physiology are especially useful in helping coaches build rapport quickly, facilitating deeper and more effective coaching sessions.
In therapy, rapport is the cornerstone of the therapeutic relationship. Clients must feel safe and understood to share their thoughts and emotions. Rapport building allows therapists to establish this connection quickly, creating an environment conducive to healing and transformation. Rapport will help clients feel more comfortable and understood, leading to more effective therapy.
Building rapport is a crucial skill in communication. By matching and mirroring physiology, voice, and language, you can create a sense of alignment and trust with others. The work of Albert Mehrabian further highlights the importance of non-verbal communication, with 93% of our interactions relying on factors beyond just the words we use. Whether you're in business, coaching, or therapy, mastering the art of rapport can lead to more successful, productive, and fulfilling relationships. By integrating NLP's insights and strategies into your interactions, you'll not only become a better communicator, you will create deeper, more meaningful connections with others.
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